* Disclaimer... I just read thru this blog, and I am nervous to post it, but I have to write what is on my mind, and this is what is on my mind.
40 hours without a soda. Head aches, but I am going to stick with it until I get thru the withdrawals! I didn't step this morning, because I woke up last night and couldn't sleep. I am going to start walking to the bus stop again after I take time off for Cara's surgery, so start of March. I will still need a jacket, and there might be some days that I still want a ride, but that is the plan. I would like it if My Grrrl gets up when I leave if she drives me or not. Might make getting things done in a timely manner, and routines, etc going.
Things are getting to me, and I am sure it has to do with the soda jones! Also, has to do with my being nervous about going back to school. I do a lot of things at home, those are usually things that I want done, but no one else does, even if they have been asked. So, if I need them done to be at ease, and no one does them, and I still need to do them, but I have school work to do, what the hell am I gonna do? Ill go crazy in no time.
She talks about having the kids step it up... I am not sure that really needs to be done, I mean, yes, they need to stay on op of their responsibilities without being told, but really, if she just does what I ask of her, then things will be fine. I don't mean to belittle what she does, but I did it for 12 years, with small children. I really don't see what the big deal is. Especially when she talks about all the shows she watched that day, or what have you, and mean while, I ask her to drop some stuff off at Goodwill, and she won't? Why not? Does she not realize that this means more work for me over the weekend, and that I would like some down time, and my idea of down time does not include running errands all over town, that she could totally go do. Little things like that, and grocery shopping, and yes, she tells me that is more fun with me than alone, and while that is flattering, I don't want to go sometimes, and couldn't those just be the exception when she goes alone?
Now, I don't think that this is the soda jones anymore. I have had these things on my mind for a while, and for some reason I ALWAYS cave when it comes to the things that I want or need. Hell, I am still occasionally buying her smokes, and she still smokes in the van... I have said that needs to stop so many times, and then I take it back, and yes, that is confusing as hell, but maybe, just maybe, she should know that by now, and just not even ask...
And I, I need to grow a fu*king spine...
I don't see how I can go back to school... I just don't. I feel like a single working mother with 4 occasionally helpful kids... I can't live my life like this, and the worst part is, that things blow up, and changes are talked about, and even occasionally implemented, and then, AS ALWAYS, they fall back apart. Im tired of the vicious cycle. I want change. I need to be the change that I want to see in the world, in my world.... Not sure what that means, I guess that is the first step, right?
Blessed Be!
Misty
)O(
