So, tonight my Grrrl went to go see an old friend after the boy was in bed. Fine, no worries, right? WRONG!
My mind did what it does, and it wandered to what she was doing. This friend and her have a history. There was a time that when she was at a friends house, there were "up to no goods" going on. She is not the only one, this is just history to the story, it's important to know.
So, the night goes by and I am not hearing from her. I got a text saying she was there, that was it.
It got to be 11:00 and nothing. I look at my phone... IT WAS TURNED DOWN.. my son's friend kept calling and I can't have that going on at work, so I turned it all the way down, with the intent of turning it back up when he stopped calling. He calls over and over and doesn't leave a message. I forgot to turn it back up!
Anyhow, I told me Grrrl that is what happened, I also let her know that I was not as strong as I thought that I was. That I was not ready for her to be going over there, with circumstances so reminiscent of before. She totally understood. She felt bad that I went through that. It is not her fault. She didn't know I was having issues, because I didn't tell her. I was trying to be strong and get over it.
The night before the friend had texted to tell my Grrrl that she was locked out of her apartment, then that she was back in, and then that she was bored. Never asking for anything from my Grrrl, but I feel like she is digging for the offer. Then, my Grrrl said that she felt guilty that she was not going over there to keep her company. I rationally ( I think... ) tried to talk to her about it. Explained that if her friend cant even ask for what she wants, maybe in fact that is not what she wants, and if she cant ask, then shes digging for the offer, and that is not good either. It kinda irritated me that my Grrrl was even considering going over there. Especially when she wouldn't go out to get a snack with me, was she really willing to go out in that weather ( which is why she didn't want to get a snack ) to go see this other grrrl, and not to mention, take away from the last part of out weekend together?
I can't really explain it, and I can't even understand it. I feel bad because we both lost a friend over the BS that occurred this summer, but he was her friend first, and longest, and even before all of the unspeakable pain her put her through that summer ( not even counting my part of it... ) he was her friend, a dear if not good friend. She lost him, and now she has no friends. She feels that way. I never really thought of her as someone that would be bothered by that, she has such a hard demeanor most of the time. I forget she is a softy...
All I know is that we ha a good text & IM conversation...things are better. I feel secure again. I think that I could handle things differently next time. But who can say for sure, right?
Even my grrrl said that she won't go back, since her friend popped a beer as soon as she got there. Not cool, since she asked my Grrrl to help keep her sober. I don't know. My Grrrl said that maybe she would just have her over to our house next time. Not sure how that would go down too.
I don't want to be this jealous girl. It sucks, for me, for her, for everyone. I know that I have heard, listen to your gut. But this is not my gut, I can tell. I remember what my gut felt like when it was trying to warn me, with my ex husband. This is not like that. This is like a monster that I cant make leave. Not like a foreboding that something terrible is coming. The proof of the betrayal. None of that now. None of that here... Just the monster that wont leave!
Bottom line, I love my Grrrl and I know she loves me... We are strong, and continue to grow stronger...
