Well, I went a little crazy this weekend. Don't have a good excuse. Lots of little explanations that added up and contributed to my breakdown on Saturday night!
First, I am tired, I slept a good portion of the weekend, I am not feeling well, and that is why I slept. I am nervous about my new job, and this is the first time that I have been able to verbalize it… I am VERY nervous about it. I have not done 8 hours over there yet, and I am itching to get out of there after 3 usually, so this is going to be interesting. Not to mention, that I don't even have my own cubicle over there, so I have to squeeze in where ever they can fit me, and I hate that. I usually wind up and some messy area where I don't have the space I need to work and it is so cluttered that all I want to do is clean up, but it's not my stuff to clean! UGH! I am nervous, and I am scared about it, and I don't want to leave the job that I have, I don't want to leave the area that I am in, I don't want to leave the people, but mostly I don't want to leave the comfort. I know everyone here. I am a shinning star here. I don't want to go where I don't know anyone, where I am not already established as awesome, and most of all, won't lead to the job that I want someday, office supervisor… UGH! Lots of shadows here, and I am running to hide in each one I can see. Not good. I have to look on the bright side. I don't feel well right now, and this past weekend, was short by my standards, and it was my last night shift weekend to boot. NOT HAPPY! Oh well. Have to move on. I know this is true. Right now, I'm not feeling it!
So, back to my breakdown, oh yeah, I am sure that my mothers model behavior as a 5 year old didn't help my mood, although I don't think that it affected me. I tried very hard not to let it affect me. I am tired of her controlling me with her tantrums, and that is one of my goals…
So, Saturday night, the house was getting to me, on top of all of that other stuff, and I broke… I got mad at my Grrrl. I threw a fit. I told her I thought that we were regressing. More like I was regressing… because I didn't talk to her, I let it build up until I exploded! Honestly, I don't even realize that I am doing that, though. I mean, like I told her the other night, I walk by the dish that has been left on the floor for 5 days that we fed the dogs a treat in, not picked up for 5 days, and I say "ugh" to myself. Then I see that the animals have no water downstairs, another "ugh". Then there is crap all over the living floor from where the stooped cat claws at the rug, and another "ugh" gets added on the "ugh" tower. Pretty soon, the "ugh" tower falls, and falls in grand manner. And anyone near, when it happens is in trouble! Look out, Misty's gonna blow. I don't know how, but I need to stop when I see an "ugh" and express it, so it looses its power. That sounds so cheesy, but it's true.
So, I let my Grrrl know that I need more consistency in the way the house is cleaned. We are different people, and we have different styles, but I need more regularity in how things get done, so that I can count on a clean living room each Friday, for example. I did have a build up breakdown, but I stand by what I said about the house and how it needed more consistency.
So, my Grrrl, as awesome as she is, asked me to help her make a schedule. She planned it; she just needed my help getting it onto a spreadsheet. So, that is done! I am very excited. We will see how well it goes. She is not one to follow schedules, but she has changed a lot, and she wants to work on our relationship, and she knows I need this. I am sure there will be bumps in the road, but no road is smooth all the time…
Well, that is all, things are about to get busy here at work, so off I go to be the shinning start that these people know that I am!
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